To my Mother, With Love.

the untold stories of my hero

My mom’s mom had her before her life started. She was young and felt she still had a whole life ahead of her and she couldn’t be a mom. She went to Santo Domingo to dance on television and then moved to Puerto Rico to dance full time. My mom was raised by her father and his wife, the woman I call grandma. She was never angry with her. My mom understood that rather than be a bad mother she chose to live her life. She never hated her for it, she just made sure that when it was time to be a mom herself, she would stay extra close to her kids. 

Rosita is kind, she’s helpful, she has a heart of gold. Her smile and her energy light up a room. I have never met someone, besides me, who didn’t like my mother. She didn’t have it easy growing up. Being a “step child”, being raised by a woman who isn’t your mom while your mom went on to live her life. She grew up poor but loved. She was rebellious but always defended the people she loved. (sometimes she defends too much cause she’s punched a few people in the face for fucking with her). She doesn’t hate her mother for it, she doesn’t hate her step mother for it. 

My mom is an overbearing mother. She wants to be involved in everything, she wants to know everything, she wants to be there for all of it. We clash because I always wanna do my own thing and she wants to be a part of it and never understands why if i’m lucky enough to have a mother, I don’t want her around. As I’ve gotten older and less rebellious and became a mother myself, I get it. My mom wants the best for all of us. She sits on an idea of what her kids should look like and be and I know it frustrates her when we don’t translate her ideas into reality. She wanted me to be a doctor not a writer. She didn’t want me to get tattoos. She hates most of my outfits. She doesn’t like my brother’s dreads. She comments on our weight a lot but I don’t think she means any harm, she just associates skinny with healthy and so when we aren’t skinny, she assumes we are dying of obesity and type 2 diabetes. We didn’t always get along, if you read my book you know it was not an easy road for us ever. I was young and wanted to live my life, much like her mother and she wanted me to stop having fun and get my head in the books. We just always clashed because I kept getting angry at her for wanting the best for me… that sounds ridiculous now that I hear it! 

She didn’t have much help. My dad was helpful financially but my mom did it all. She raised 3 kids very far in age, (Im 32, my sister is 41, my brother is 47). She never missed a school play, never missed a doctor’s appointment, I don’t think my mom has gotten a good night’s sleep since she had kids. Any noise, any whine, she was up. We had a good life growing up. Our home was always clean, our food was always warm and our clothes were always the perfect size. She was a good mother. Whatever she did or didn’t do, made me who I am now and I love who I am so I am forever indebted to her, but this one isn’t about me. 

My mom battled breast cancer twice. She had my brother and his father passed the day after. She grew up with a mom who wasn’t hers. She recently had a stroke and shocked everyone with how strong she was that she didn’t even know she was having one. She’s a superhero for real. My mom has been so strong her entire life. Even when life was not kind to her, she remained warm hearted.

If I could give up my life to ensure that my mom had the life she truly dreamed of, I would. If she didn’t have to stop to be my mom, I think I would see her young, moving to Europe maybe, seeing the world. She’d move back to the states and become a doctor. A really good one. One that gets fancy awards and everyone goes to because she’s the biggest healer in the 50 states. She travels to third world countries and heals them too. She gets a really handsome husband but they never have kids because she’s a career woman and she cannot be bothered to be a mom. She gets the penthouse in Manhattan with the city as her nightlight. She writes a book that everyone uses to learn how to heal shitty things that happen to them. I’d give up my perfect little life just to see that life for my mother. 

I think I spent so much time being mad at her that I never stopped to understand that she was just doing her best and even if sometimes I didn’t agree with her, at least she never left me.

The night she had the stroke, I went to the hospital with her, I saw her in that hospital bed and I ran out crying. I wasn’t mad at her, I was angry that now that I finally have a relationship with her, she’s getting older and sick. I was angry at the wasted time. I was angry that even in the midst of actively having a stroke she didn’t stop being a stubborn, hard headed, extremely opinionated, mad woman. But all of those things are what make my mother my hero. The fact that my mom can go through absolutely anything and still stay strong (even if sometimes she’s too strong). She never complains, she never stops, she doesn’t let anything stop her from being who she is. All the things I “hate” about my mother are all the things that make her a good mother. She cares too much, she feels everything we feel, she makes sure I eat healthy, she gets frustrated when she sees me doing something that could hurt me. She wants nothing but the best for us and it took me years to realize she’s not mean, she’s honest. Her words are just as strong as her fights are. I can only try to be as good of a mother as she has been. I can see it in the ways she loves my son. I can see it in the advice she gives me and my brother so we can be better parents. I can see it in the ways she loves the people around her. She hasn’t only been a mother to her kids. She has been a nurturer to all those who have entered her life. My life’s regret is wasting so much time fearing her and not spending all that time learning from her. She didn’t have an easy life, but I did because she made sure that none of us ever had to live a life as hard as hers.  My mother was never my enemy. She was always the superhero I only dreamed I could be.